Strange relationship

Dear Lee,

Greeting from the city. Hope this letter finds you and yours Happy and Well. I find myself in over my head yet again. Somehow I ended up in a very strange relationship and I’m not sure how it happened. It started with a first date. A very bad first date. We went out with another couple to play pool. My date spent more time texting and talking to the other couple than he did with me. Had I been in my right mind I would not have finished the date, but called a friend to come get me. But how it is with me, I was not in my right mind. Part of the reason for that is I had wanted to go out with this guy for a very long time. I kept hoping that it would get better. Damn my optimism! At the end of the night I was ready for bed. I had no energy to put him through any trials. I just turned to him and said, "If you want something, ask for it or go for it." And he did. I was ready to let it be what it was a one time event and never to talk to him again. Seeing as the whole night didn't go all that great to begin with, I felt it would be no big loss. I wish that is what I had done. Instead, I listen to what someone else had to say. Julie, who was part of the couple that we had gone out with, told me that I should tell him that it wasn't OK for him to never talk to me again, that I deserved better treatment from him. Yes I would have loved for him to call me, but I was the one that wanted not to talk to him again. It's just too hard when you really like someone and they don't feel the same way. I was trying to make it easier on myself. But I did what Julie said. She wanted us to keep talking regardless of we continued a relationship outside of that. So, we struggled with talking. You know me once you have seen me naked it's hard to be friends. Look how long it took for us to be friends after everything. Somehow trying to talk to each other ended in being a regular booty call. I defiantly didn't sign up for that, but can't seem to get rid of him either. He texts me and I melt. I can't seem to tell the boy no. It's like any little scrap he throws my way, I just eat it up. We haven't been out in public since that first night. And I don't think he ever plans on taking me out again, but I can't seem to walk away from him now. I have to fight myself all the time not to text him. The whole relationship is just crazy, but I can't get enough of him. The other night when he came to see me, I made a little stand. I wanted to be kissed, so I moved in to kiss him but refused to kiss me. I pulled away from him and rolled over. This was the only way I expressed my displeasure with the fact that he didn't kiss me. He didn't miss a beat. As I rolled away from him, he followed me not losing his hand placement. He pressed himself up against my back but did not try to continue with what he had been doing. He just laid there with me. I don't know how long it was. I loose track of time when I am with him anyway. You know me, I don't hold out. So, I resumed touching him and he took that as a green light to do the same. When it was over, I didn't cuddle with him. Maybe I should have. Without the kissing, I felt less like someone he cared about and more like a whore he had just picked up. I am all over the place with my feelings. At first I was worried that he would call and want to get together and now I am worried that he won’t call and that he never wants to get together again. How did I let things get this crazy? I don’t know which way to talk myself in or out of wanting him. Your in put is wanted and needed. Please write back soon.

Love,
Christmas