Dear Lee,
Some days I am really glad that you are still part of my life. I can write to you to clear my mind, get perspective or unburden myself. What do you do when the people around you are self destructive? What do you do when friends lie to you? When the web of lies is so great that you can no longer see a hint of truth in it? As if my trust issues weren’t big enough already, I find my self in a place where I no longer trust the friends around me. I can’t tell when they are lying and when they tell the truth. Every thing and every body is suspect. Who is left to talk to? You.
So, here is the deal. Julie says that she never talks to the one I am hung up on. In fact she makes it a point, to tell me how much she can’t stand him and how she never wants to be where he is. He says that they talk all the time and that she is important to him, like a best friend. Get your stories straight will you. I know that I am not the sharpest tool in the shed but I can figure out that theses two stories are no where near close. When I have talked to Teresa about this, she thinks that there is something between them like they have slept together. Even if they have, it’s not my business. How do I make peace with this? Will it take loosing both of them?
Hope all is well with you.
Christmas
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dear Lee,
Hope life is treating you good these days. I can't say for sure if it is for me or not. I mean to say that my health is good and that I still have a roof over my head, but as for the rest I am having a hard time as seeing the glass half full like I would normally. There have been changes at work and once again I am the one getting the shaft. It doesn't really matter I guess, seeing as this is not my dream job, but it would be nice to feel a little more appreciated for all the effort that I put in. As for the personal life, you were once again right about the pretty boy. He only seems to be interested in after hours visits and and a less than close relationship. Since everyone is open to that, it makes him not so special anymore. Why should I be giving him my best when I get nothing in return? He is on his way to the curb, he just doesn't know it yet. Saving that for his next late night call. Oh what fun that will be.
Did you know that I have finally started my book? I read my mom the first page the other night on the phone. She can hardly wait to read the whole thing. Turns out that this will be several books with these characters as I have had another set of dreams that take place a few years after the first. On this past Saturday, I read Mom what I had written from those. She thinks I might need to write full time, or at least spend more time doing it than I am now. I find it hard to clear my head and write after I have been at work for 10-12 hours. I know that just sounds funny. After that many hours most would be brain dead or at least numb. Maybe that is the case, I am just numb. There is no creativity left in me after all that and on my days off I have too much work around the house to catch up on that I don't always take the time to write. I have been trying to make an effort to write a little something every day, but it isn't always part of the stories.
A few weeks ago, I went to a poetry reading. It was a lot of fun and kind of put the bug back in me to write. I have come up with some new poems and add a little to the stories. I need to go back to a mindless job, that way all my brain energy could be spent on writing and not the political games of the work place.
Did I tell you Ann has a new boy friend? He seems really nice. I have been invited along with them a few times. He sings in public just like me and is really into cars. A very big plus. I really hope that he makes Ann happy. She could use to be happy with someone that isn't crazy. there has been too much of that in her life.
That is it for now. Keep me posted on the family.
Peace,
Christmas
Hope life is treating you good these days. I can't say for sure if it is for me or not. I mean to say that my health is good and that I still have a roof over my head, but as for the rest I am having a hard time as seeing the glass half full like I would normally. There have been changes at work and once again I am the one getting the shaft. It doesn't really matter I guess, seeing as this is not my dream job, but it would be nice to feel a little more appreciated for all the effort that I put in. As for the personal life, you were once again right about the pretty boy. He only seems to be interested in after hours visits and and a less than close relationship. Since everyone is open to that, it makes him not so special anymore. Why should I be giving him my best when I get nothing in return? He is on his way to the curb, he just doesn't know it yet. Saving that for his next late night call. Oh what fun that will be.
Did you know that I have finally started my book? I read my mom the first page the other night on the phone. She can hardly wait to read the whole thing. Turns out that this will be several books with these characters as I have had another set of dreams that take place a few years after the first. On this past Saturday, I read Mom what I had written from those. She thinks I might need to write full time, or at least spend more time doing it than I am now. I find it hard to clear my head and write after I have been at work for 10-12 hours. I know that just sounds funny. After that many hours most would be brain dead or at least numb. Maybe that is the case, I am just numb. There is no creativity left in me after all that and on my days off I have too much work around the house to catch up on that I don't always take the time to write. I have been trying to make an effort to write a little something every day, but it isn't always part of the stories.
A few weeks ago, I went to a poetry reading. It was a lot of fun and kind of put the bug back in me to write. I have come up with some new poems and add a little to the stories. I need to go back to a mindless job, that way all my brain energy could be spent on writing and not the political games of the work place.
Did I tell you Ann has a new boy friend? He seems really nice. I have been invited along with them a few times. He sings in public just like me and is really into cars. A very big plus. I really hope that he makes Ann happy. She could use to be happy with someone that isn't crazy. there has been too much of that in her life.
That is it for now. Keep me posted on the family.
Peace,
Christmas
Dear Lee,
Here is something that strikes me funny. In our efforts to have and be the best or "perfect", we are missing out on some pretty wonderfully things. Take for example, most would not care to hear an out of tune piano played. But if the listener can set aside the fact the sound is not the way they would prefer to hear it, and just listen they might find the music can be just as beautiful. That the fact it is out of tune has it's on beauty. I have found that to be true of people as well. I'm not just talking about beauty being more than skin deep. Everyone should already know that. What i am talking about is that someone may have parts of their life that, well, fall short of prefect. I mean really short of prefect. There are other parts of their lives that shine brighter than any star. Unfortunately, the short falls over shadow all the shining parts, unless you really stop to take a look. They get pigeon holed by their short falls, and sometime buy into this idea of having nothing of worth or value to share with the world or even one person. If subject to this way of thinking it could lead to the end of shining parts.
There are so many out there that are broken, out of tune, beaten down, falling short or flawed. (warning I feel the soap box coming out) Those that are not often dismiss the value these broken souls have. Our world is the island of misfit toys, so to speak. If it's not prefect (or the way you want it) cast it aside and find one that is. Every time I go thrift store shopping with my mom, I see this. So many good things up for sale, just because they may be less than prefect.
If we each took the time to really look and get to know our fellow humans, we just might find that there is more beautiful things in the world, that come with a flaw or two.
Hope all is well with you.
Peace,
Christmas
Here is something that strikes me funny. In our efforts to have and be the best or "perfect", we are missing out on some pretty wonderfully things. Take for example, most would not care to hear an out of tune piano played. But if the listener can set aside the fact the sound is not the way they would prefer to hear it, and just listen they might find the music can be just as beautiful. That the fact it is out of tune has it's on beauty. I have found that to be true of people as well. I'm not just talking about beauty being more than skin deep. Everyone should already know that. What i am talking about is that someone may have parts of their life that, well, fall short of prefect. I mean really short of prefect. There are other parts of their lives that shine brighter than any star. Unfortunately, the short falls over shadow all the shining parts, unless you really stop to take a look. They get pigeon holed by their short falls, and sometime buy into this idea of having nothing of worth or value to share with the world or even one person. If subject to this way of thinking it could lead to the end of shining parts.
There are so many out there that are broken, out of tune, beaten down, falling short or flawed. (warning I feel the soap box coming out) Those that are not often dismiss the value these broken souls have. Our world is the island of misfit toys, so to speak. If it's not prefect (or the way you want it) cast it aside and find one that is. Every time I go thrift store shopping with my mom, I see this. So many good things up for sale, just because they may be less than prefect.
If we each took the time to really look and get to know our fellow humans, we just might find that there is more beautiful things in the world, that come with a flaw or two.
Hope all is well with you.
Peace,
Christmas
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Strange relationship
Dear Lee,
Greeting from the city. Hope this letter finds you and yours Happy and Well. I find myself in over my head yet again. Somehow I ended up in a very strange relationship and I’m not sure how it happened. It started with a first date. A very bad first date. We went out with another couple to play pool. My date spent more time texting and talking to the other couple than he did with me. Had I been in my right mind I would not have finished the date, but called a friend to come get me. But how it is with me, I was not in my right mind. Part of the reason for that is I had wanted to go out with this guy for a very long time. I kept hoping that it would get better. Damn my optimism! At the end of the night I was ready for bed. I had no energy to put him through any trials. I just turned to him and said, "If you want something, ask for it or go for it." And he did. I was ready to let it be what it was a one time event and never to talk to him again. Seeing as the whole night didn't go all that great to begin with, I felt it would be no big loss. I wish that is what I had done. Instead, I listen to what someone else had to say. Julie, who was part of the couple that we had gone out with, told me that I should tell him that it wasn't OK for him to never talk to me again, that I deserved better treatment from him. Yes I would have loved for him to call me, but I was the one that wanted not to talk to him again. It's just too hard when you really like someone and they don't feel the same way. I was trying to make it easier on myself. But I did what Julie said. She wanted us to keep talking regardless of we continued a relationship outside of that. So, we struggled with talking. You know me once you have seen me naked it's hard to be friends. Look how long it took for us to be friends after everything. Somehow trying to talk to each other ended in being a regular booty call. I defiantly didn't sign up for that, but can't seem to get rid of him either. He texts me and I melt. I can't seem to tell the boy no. It's like any little scrap he throws my way, I just eat it up. We haven't been out in public since that first night. And I don't think he ever plans on taking me out again, but I can't seem to walk away from him now. I have to fight myself all the time not to text him. The whole relationship is just crazy, but I can't get enough of him. The other night when he came to see me, I made a little stand. I wanted to be kissed, so I moved in to kiss him but refused to kiss me. I pulled away from him and rolled over. This was the only way I expressed my displeasure with the fact that he didn't kiss me. He didn't miss a beat. As I rolled away from him, he followed me not losing his hand placement. He pressed himself up against my back but did not try to continue with what he had been doing. He just laid there with me. I don't know how long it was. I loose track of time when I am with him anyway. You know me, I don't hold out. So, I resumed touching him and he took that as a green light to do the same. When it was over, I didn't cuddle with him. Maybe I should have. Without the kissing, I felt less like someone he cared about and more like a whore he had just picked up. I am all over the place with my feelings. At first I was worried that he would call and want to get together and now I am worried that he won’t call and that he never wants to get together again. How did I let things get this crazy? I don’t know which way to talk myself in or out of wanting him. Your in put is wanted and needed. Please write back soon.
Love,
Christmas
Greeting from the city. Hope this letter finds you and yours Happy and Well. I find myself in over my head yet again. Somehow I ended up in a very strange relationship and I’m not sure how it happened. It started with a first date. A very bad first date. We went out with another couple to play pool. My date spent more time texting and talking to the other couple than he did with me. Had I been in my right mind I would not have finished the date, but called a friend to come get me. But how it is with me, I was not in my right mind. Part of the reason for that is I had wanted to go out with this guy for a very long time. I kept hoping that it would get better. Damn my optimism! At the end of the night I was ready for bed. I had no energy to put him through any trials. I just turned to him and said, "If you want something, ask for it or go for it." And he did. I was ready to let it be what it was a one time event and never to talk to him again. Seeing as the whole night didn't go all that great to begin with, I felt it would be no big loss. I wish that is what I had done. Instead, I listen to what someone else had to say. Julie, who was part of the couple that we had gone out with, told me that I should tell him that it wasn't OK for him to never talk to me again, that I deserved better treatment from him. Yes I would have loved for him to call me, but I was the one that wanted not to talk to him again. It's just too hard when you really like someone and they don't feel the same way. I was trying to make it easier on myself. But I did what Julie said. She wanted us to keep talking regardless of we continued a relationship outside of that. So, we struggled with talking. You know me once you have seen me naked it's hard to be friends. Look how long it took for us to be friends after everything. Somehow trying to talk to each other ended in being a regular booty call. I defiantly didn't sign up for that, but can't seem to get rid of him either. He texts me and I melt. I can't seem to tell the boy no. It's like any little scrap he throws my way, I just eat it up. We haven't been out in public since that first night. And I don't think he ever plans on taking me out again, but I can't seem to walk away from him now. I have to fight myself all the time not to text him. The whole relationship is just crazy, but I can't get enough of him. The other night when he came to see me, I made a little stand. I wanted to be kissed, so I moved in to kiss him but refused to kiss me. I pulled away from him and rolled over. This was the only way I expressed my displeasure with the fact that he didn't kiss me. He didn't miss a beat. As I rolled away from him, he followed me not losing his hand placement. He pressed himself up against my back but did not try to continue with what he had been doing. He just laid there with me. I don't know how long it was. I loose track of time when I am with him anyway. You know me, I don't hold out. So, I resumed touching him and he took that as a green light to do the same. When it was over, I didn't cuddle with him. Maybe I should have. Without the kissing, I felt less like someone he cared about and more like a whore he had just picked up. I am all over the place with my feelings. At first I was worried that he would call and want to get together and now I am worried that he won’t call and that he never wants to get together again. How did I let things get this crazy? I don’t know which way to talk myself in or out of wanting him. Your in put is wanted and needed. Please write back soon.
Love,
Christmas
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